Review: Zombie! Haunted Mansion: Memoir of Jesse Jamieson by Zombie Origin Media

Zombie! Haunted Mansion: Memoir of Jesse Jamieson

by 

Zombie Origin Media

Stranded in the middle of nowhere, an unlikely group of high school friends embark on a series of adventures and mishaps to survive a remote zombie outbreak. With bloodthirsty ghouls trailing close behind, Jesse and his friends stumble upon an eerie mansion offering refuge from the zombie infested woods. But the residents of Krakuz Manor may be hiding a sinister secret more dangerous than the undead threat outside, or they might just be complete lunatics. Either way, Jesse and his friends must prepare for the impending zombie horde if they hope to survive their trip to hell. With no communication to the outside world for help, can a mismatched group of teenagers defend Krakus Manor against the undead, or will they fall victim to a living dead nightmare?

My Take:

Jesse's Prom date could not have gone worse. Literally. The girl of his dreams, Chloe, was asked to the prom by his best friend Bud, because he'd waited until the last possible second to ask her, for, you know, suspense. With poster and flowers in hand he ends up trapped asking the captain of the cheer squad to the prom. Someone who could not be less compatible. Then they all packed into Bud's truck with his friend Emu and his date Lexi, to head to Crystal Lake... er, Clearlake. Cheerleaders and Football jocks with the school nerd, all headed to a lake getaway after the prom. What could go wrong? Vhen you Vander in the Voods...

Jesse's date Becky manages to wreck the truck trying to play her vampire tunes, and they quickly run afoul of Zombies wandering in the woods too. They manage to find refuge from the rapidly growing crowd of zombies, in a mysterious old mansion hidden in the darkest part of the forest. But will the creepy inmates in the haunted mansion be any safer than the zombies milling around outside?.

Content:

Drug Content:

PG - There are a few references to crack. High school kids run off to the lake with a case of vodka. But it doesn't end up getting drunk, but being used for weapons.

Violence:

R - Oh wow. Head shots, eye-socket impalings, rampant wanton gunning down of poor defenseless zombies. Slaughtering them with bayonets and butter knives. There seems to be an endless supply of zombies to kill, and an endless supply of weapons to kill them with, from Russian Assault rifles and cannons filled with grapeshot to buckets of poo. One friend ends up with his hands cut off and other unfortunate things happening to him, from one mutilation to the next. Many of these are described in significant detail.

Language:

PG - There are a few cuss words, nothing serious. God's name is taken in vain um... many times, especially if you count the preponderance of 'oh my god' references throughout.

Adult Content:

PG-13 - There's actually not a bit of sexual content in this book, just a few kisses, no petting. But there are many titillating innuendos and a man's 'parts' are kept in a jar on the mantle, with a discussion about why they are there and not on, ahem, him.

Christian content:

Hmmm. One character refers repeatedly to Black Jesus. Several times the characters pray, as their situation gets more and more serious. One might consider that friendship plays a large part of this hilarious romp, but when the chips are down it seems to practically be every couple for themselves. A few times there is self-sacrifice, but if you enter this book for a moral lesson you likely won't get one, that's obviously not its purpose. There's about ten times people thank God for escaping, or some other minor miracle. One chapter references a priest with a taste for boys.

Final analysis:

I gotta admit, I started this book with some high hopes. The basic plot has been overused, one of high school prom kids out to get slaughtered by some Freddy Kreuger or Jason Voorhees. But these often are not laced in wit and humor, so I figured I was in for a treat.

The book is entirely written from Jesse's point of view, and the only content is conversation, onomatopoeia, and internal monologue in the main character's head. While this deep dive into first-person perspective is interesting in a short work, and can quickly put you into the quirky brain of an adolescent male, it becomes extremely frustrating trying to figure out what is going on without any description of action or surroundings. And repetitive uses of the Whack and Bang, Snap and Crackle, and pop, pop, pop, pop... you get the idea. It grew on me... like a rash where you couldn't reach.

So, here's my final word on it - this is a hilarious romp, a somewhat light-hearted if graphically gory humorous story; the characters are interesting and somewhat believable, the plot is sound, the action fast paced and the dialogue entertaining, the slapstick humor hilarious and the interactions interesting. However, the world-building was completely absent, the action confusing, the onomatopoeia extremely wearing and the pacing just dragged in the middle, and raced at the end. I found the gore to be a bit over the top, and would place the book based on that and the innuendos securely into the YA category. I'd like to give this Three and a Half Stars, but my scoring system is in whole numbers, so I'll round up. Four Stars.

About the Author:

Zombies! Looking for a zombie story with zombies and humor? Check out Zombie! Haunted Mansion and Zombie! Origins. Brought to you by Zombie Origin Media, a joint authorship of three idiot siblings writing complete and udder nonsense.

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Review: A Poem for Britain (Bards of Fantasia #1) by S.W. Wilcox

A Poem for Britain

(Bards of Fantasia #1)

by 

S.W. Wilcox

First the world was nuked, then mythic monsters invaded. What a life, and I, Dormira, am only 16--but going on 30. Good thing my boyfriend Skall is a genius. I'm a co-minstrel, linguist--and his bodyguard too, as we face Magic schools...Stolen youth...and Love-obsessed gods. Now the ancient Fire & Ice giants want the world to end. But they're opposed by elements of water, air, and earth, the shock-troops of friendlier gods and wizards. And bards from our techie future are a new piece on the chessboard. It figures the gods, ghosts & ghouls we're pitted against don't like our meddling. That's their shapeshifting sport. Skall urges we race mythic British landmarks within 48 hours of Halloween, performing key songs as hero-minstrels, solving ancient riddles and tragedies. Things move fast when deaths need avenging and you're time-skipping and running for your own life as well! Can our music save the world from chaos?

My Take:

Dor and Skall are witnesses to a great destruction at the end of time, driven by an ancient red-hooded sorceress intent on the destruction of man. With their electric guitars, songwriting and ninja skills they jump through a portal back in time to attempt to change the past which will change the future which will make the trip to the past unnecessary, er, and I rub my templs and quip with Captain Janeway, that time travel makes the head hurt.

The Norse and British demi-gods vie for mastery and love while Dor and Skall try to stay alive long enough to make friends and influence the movers and shakers of the skies. But will their time-changing machinations and their songwriting skills save them from the master of the underworld and a fate worse than, but including, death?

Content:

Drug Content:

PG-13 - There are several drunken parties while cavorting through the past, but overall not a lot..

Violence:

PG - There are several scenes involving war and a few brawls that take place.

Language:

G - Relatively clean.

Adult Content:

PG - There's a scene where Skall is enthralled by a goddess and heads off to her bedchamber. There's a scene where the Norns discuss mating.

Christian content:

Nada. There's a scene where Christian warriors are battling the pagan forces. For the most part the only gods depicted in this novella are the Norse ones of Fire, Ice, Death, and the Sea. Frost-Hel, Etain, Gyn, Deirdru, Angus, Mannanan, Dovnu, the Norns, and the World-Tree people the past and fight each other for mastery of the all-important World-Tree and its many dimensions.

Final analysis:

Each chapter in this book began with sketches of the action inside, and it reads like a screenplay, which it devolved from. The action is quick and gripping, and the many worlds visited are panoramic in view. The World-building is immersive, and the humor and interplay outstanding. But the characters in the story were a bit wooden to me and could have used better dimension, the gods and supporting cast were almost one-dimensional. The stakes were high, of course, the fate of all the dimensions, but the action was a bit jerky for my taste. Focus went from one gripping scene to a quick flight or rescue, to another crisis without any real transition.

I found the world-building stellar, the plot outstanding, but the character development and pacing unfortunately in need of fleshing out. This could have found a home as a trilogy, with the amount of action it contained, but in its brief form it was a bit like a sped up movie, panoramic and epic and all-too-soon over. Four Stars.

Review: The Essence of Life by Rain Arlender

The Essence of Life

by 

Rain Arlender

“Seeking outdoors-loving colleague. Solitude-requiring, big-footed preferably.”  Usually with an ad like this, one would look the other way. But Aurora is in a pinch – she has to take the job. Her employer is a Scottish family who run a distillery. Her workplace is the open field: no animals, no crops and nothing to do. Her work tool – and only companion – a giant pair of Wellington boots. Aurora's task is to walk in the field, and she has no idea why she is getting paid for it...

My Take:

Aurora is a very large girl with incredibly large feet. Her prospects for employment are dwindling when she comes across the ad for a job working in the fields of a small distillery. The Scottish family that runs the distillery is slightly odd but friendly enough, and they affably take her in without much in the way of an interview, other than a good look at her feet.

She is required to walk in the fields during the day, and her only work tool is a pair of Wellington boots. Why they have hired her is unclear, because her task is only to walk the fields, and surrender her shoes and socks each night. Why is she getting paid for this, again?

Content:

Drug Content:

PG-13 - There is a significant amount of drinking in the book, which is not unexpected, as it centers around a distillery, and the quality libations produced there. There are a few characters in this epic tale that drink like a fish, but their activities are usually off-screen.

Violence:

PG - There is some discussion concerning a wife-beater, but there is no violence that occurs onscreen.

Language:

R - The F bomb is dropped 3 times. Sh-t occurs several times, other expletives are absent.

Adult Content:

PG-13 - There is a scene where a young male exposes himself for his kindergarten friends, and wanders off with a young girl he likes. There's discussion about his gender identity. Sex is an offhand expectation of casual dating. There is a scene where sex occurs onscreen, not graphically described, with the girlfriend wearing only the boss's necktie.

Christian content:

Hmmm. So, there's a discussion of who God is, but it's extremely tongue in cheek and slightly irreverent. The Dog is God, Patrick is God. God's house is visited but then there's a discussion of how God isn't coming, and he let them in but left. It's funny, but I'd enter this book with the expectation that God's a good tool for a good joke.

Final analysis:

While The Essence of Life was worth many chuckles, it seemed to drag for me, and I couldn't get invested in the characters, and there were a confusing lot of them. In places the descriptions were panoramic, but the action was confusing and the backstories of the characters seemed a bit unnecessary, if titillating.

I didn't find the irreverence off-putting, but couldn't get invested in the plot or characters, and the pace just moved ponderously on, though the main undercurrent plot of the story is a tremendous joke worth telling. If you like drinking, big feet, or elaborate hilarious pranks, this would be a good book to pick up and delve into, for me, eh, not as much. Three Stars.

Review: Clifton Chase and the Arrow of Light by Jaimie Engle

Clifton Chase and the Arrow of Light

by Jaimie Engle

Clifton Chase is the latest target for bully Ryan Rivales. But after he finds a mysterious arrow in his closet, he takes Ryan's bet to see who can hit the target. Ryan nails the bull's-eye, but Clifton's piece of junk arrow sails out of sight and when he finally finds it, something isn't right. Somehow, Clifton has been magically transported back to 1485 England, where he meets two princes bullied by their tyrant uncle who locked them in prison to steal their throne. Only after Clifton learns the true meaning of friendship, bravery, and sacrifice can he help the princes escape and find the courage to face his own bully. Befriended by a dwarf, a mythical bird called Simurgh, and a cast of comical characters, Clifton's fantasy adventure through medieval times is perfect for boys and girls of all ages, and the young at heart. For those who like fantasy kids books like Percy Jackson and Harry Potter.

My Take:

Clifton Chase is an average seventh grader with a greater than average talent with a bow, and the latest target for bully Ryan Rivales. When Clifton finds a dusty old wooden arrow in the back of his closet, he takes Ryan's bet to see who can hit a bullseye, the old junk arrow against a brand new compound bow.

Ryan nails the bullseye, but the junk arrow flies far wide of the target, sailing out of sight into the sandy dunes. When Clifton finds the arrow, he is shocked to find that it's glowing. When he picks it up, it transports him back in time to 1485 England, right in the thick of the War of the Roses.

Brought back to rescue Prince Edward and Prince Richard from their evil uncle King Richard III, Clifton is aided by a host of mythological creatures and historical figures, and hunted by powerful enemies seeking control of the powerful Arrow of Light he carries. Clifton must learn the true meaning of friendship, bravery, and sacrifice to activate the Arrow of Light and face the evil king in the past, and his own bully in the future.

Content:

Drug Content:

G - Some guards at a tower are all rather drunk. Nothing you wouldn't see in Sleeping Beauty.

Violence:

G - Even in battle scenes, there's not a lot of blood, but several characters are killed. Someone is eaten by a Sea Monster.

Language:

G - squeaky clean.

Adult Content:

G - This is Middle Grade fiction. The only adult thing that happens here is some preteen angst and a brief kiss.   

Christian content:

This is a clean MG fantasy, and isn't saturated with any overt references to God. Several times the main character prays for help, and multiple characters rely on God to aid in their time of need. Self Sacrifice and protecting the weak are strong themes, righting injustices and dealing with bullies are central to this work also.

Final analysis:

This was a wonderful delve into the past, well-spiced with mythical creatures like dragons, sea monsters, mermaids, giants, and dwarfs. Just the right mix of fantasy, history, and life lessons to make for an enthralling book every MG boy would enjoy. Several characters were deeply drawn, and the issue of bullying is dealt with well. Fast paced, high stakes, gripping, humorous, Five Stars!

About the Author:

Like stepping into a living dream, Jaimie Engle writes visually stunning fiction where magic turns ordinary into extraordinary. She loves weaving lore into her stories and taking her readers on wondrous adventures. Engle is a cosplayer, podcaster, entrepreneur, and speaker at schools, conferences, and colleges across Florida. theWRITEengle.com

Review: How to Remove a Brain and Other Bizarre Medical Practices by David Haviland

How to Remove a Brain and Other Bizarre Medical Practices

by David Haviland

The medical community since Egyptian times has mad an amazing number of advances, but surprisingly, the primitives of the dusty past had some of it right, while much of it was quite barbarically wrong.

From Egyptian brain surgery to Cesarean birth, with every possible outlandish idea in between, David Haviland exposes medical science, and the lack thereof, for what it's been down through the ages. With fascinating tidbits of trivia concerning snake oil and quacks, and why we call them that, the author unpacks and analyzes purported myths like whether Jack the Ripper was a doctor, whether surgical instruments get left in patients, whether criminals harvest organs, why the stethoscope was invented, where birthing forceps were invented, early medical theories like bleeding and miasmas, versus germ theory and the accidental discovery of X-rays.

My Take:

This book was an interesting ride of medical trivia, and I found it quite entertaining and well written. The style was engaging and a bit titillating, the facts generally checked out when I took trouble to check them.

Content:

Even though this is a non-fiction book, figured I'd better put a bit about the content in here.

Violence:
PG - The ravages of many diseases, and post surgical infections are discussed with some candor, and the violence of certain serial killers is described with a light level of detail.

Language:

R - While the majority of the book is squeaky clean, there is an interesting chapter on doctor's shorthand that drops the F-bomb multiple times, as well as a few other expletives.

Adult Content:

R+ - There is quite a bit of medical information on breast enlargement ideas, penile enlargement, and some completely unmentionable other early medical practices that resulted in sterility, death, etc. A frank discussion of bra sizing in the US and abroad, a discourse on STDs, impotence, and sexual contact with patients, as well as early methods of birth control. 

Christian content:

Pretty much nada. While the Hippocratic Oath is discussed in some detail, faith of any sort really doesn't hit the pages here.

Final analysis:
While I found this to be an entertaining read, I would not recommend it for teens or below, as it covers some barbaric practices before anesthesia. A light read, easy to put down or thumb through, with many interesting facts, some quite interesting and informative, some just, well, gut-turning. The writing style was decent and the information seemed well-vetted, but I just couldn't quite pull this one up past Four Stars.

About the Author:

David Haviland is a bestselling author, ghostwriter, and journalist. He lives in London, England. For more amusing trivia, you can check out his website at www.davidhaviland.com.

Review: The Wager: A Romantic Comedy as Christian Allegory by Mike Brister

The Wager: A Romantic Comedy as Christian Allegory

by Mike Brister

Sarah Morgan Leigh Dumont is rich, successful and famous. Matthew Ezra Shepherd is none of those things. Sarah, raised in Connecticut, is the oldest child in a prominent family. Matt, raised in Mississippi, is the youngest child in a farming family. Sarah is a winner in life’s lottery and has a home in Malibu. Matt, a former Marine, is putting the pieces of his life back together and would be homeless except for a 160 year old farmhouse that has no running water. Sarah is driven, focused, difficult, and intimidating. Matt is friendly and kind and smiles easily. Sarah is full of herself. Matt is full of mischief. 

They meet under false pretenses in New Orleans, the city built on false pretenses. She sees him only as the object of a wager; he sees her as an object to be avoided—and yet. 

What happens when love is uninvited, inconvenient, and demanding? When it keeps you up at night and distracts you during the day. When it counsels unreason, folly, and ruin. When it can breach any locked door, scale any high wall, or whisper above any noise. Fortunately, when it happens to someone else, it can be very funny. 

Seventy-five percent (75%) of the royalties from the sale of each book will go to But God Ministries and/or the Haiti Goat Project for the purchase of goats for the people of Haiti. Buy a book and help buy a goat. Buy one or be one. 

“Please buy this man’s book. It is a good book.” Pastor Mathurin Merystal, Thoman, Haiti. 

My Take:

Sarah Morgan Leigh Dumont has it all. Beauty, fame, wealth, power. Matthew Ezra Shepherd has none of these things. Sarah is the oldest child in a filthy rich family from Connecticut. Matt is the youngest child in a dirt poor family from Mississippi. Raised in the lap of luxury, a die-hard pacifist, Sarah has a home in Malibu. Matt is an ex-Marine, a soldier who has killed for his country, a vet with PTSD trying to put his life back together. Left scarred inside and out, he would be homeless except for a 160-year-old farmhouse with no running water.

Sarah is driven, focused, intimidating, full of herself. Matt is friendly, kind, with a quick smile, full of mischief.

They meet under false pretenses in New Orleans, the city built on false pretenses. She sees him only as the object of a wager; he sees her as an object to be avoided—and yet. You couldn't find two people more opposite, yet love scales any wall, breaches any barricade, crosses any divide.  

Content:

Drug Content:

PG - Alcohol is mentioned rather often. Matt is a dangerous alcoholic, and the sheriff will arrest anyone who gives him any. 

Violence:

PG - There is a description of some of the conflict in war. A bar fight sends three men to the hospital. A character is knifed, and a purse snatcher is nearly beaten to death. 

Language:

G - A couple mild expletives.

Adult Content:

PG-13 - This is a romance. There's no sex, though it's sought after, and plotted. A woman ends up naked in a bathroom, underwear and its lack is discussed. There's a bit of kissing. Women discuss men's finer attributes, there are a few oblique references to anatomy.

Christian content:

Scripture is used in a few places. Faith is evident throughout, and the sovereign guiding hand of Providence is exposed. Spiritual battles are evident, and prayer is a common practice. Spiritual issues are covered well. Faith, atheism, mission work, the gospel, the power of God's Word, the importance of fighting for what's right. This is a faith-filled hilarious romance.

Final analysis:

Like Rooster Cogburn and the Lady, or Crocodile Dundee, the interactions between the leading man and lady are what makes this book outshine most romances I've ever read, or viewed on the silver screen, for that matter. The conversations these two polar opposites have are hilarious, no subject is taboo, and for the most part the reader has to interpret the conversation. It would make an outstanding  film, an entertaining romantic Christian comedy. Well written, hilarious, thought provoking, fast-paced. North meets South in a clash of cultures, with sparks flying everywhere! Five Stars!

About the Author:
Mike Brister was born in Jackson, Mississippi, in 1952. His father worked for the Illinois Central Railroad and in 1955 was transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana. This began a lifelong relationship with one of the most unique cities in the world. Eventually, the family would return to Jackson. 

Mike received degrees in mathematics and spent his working career as a consulting actuary. Now retired, he has written his first novel. He has made numerous trips to Haiti and plans more. The hope is that the novel is a fun read and allows for the purchase of goats for families in Haiti. Seventy-five percent (75%) of all book royalties will go to But God Ministries and/or Haiti Goat Project.

Review: Alfred Arnold's Great Adventure of No Direction Whatsoever by Phoenix Ward

Alfred Arnold's Great Adventure of No Direction Whatsoever (The Alfred Arnold Saga #1)

by Phoenix Ward

Alfred Arnold, reader. Reader, Alfred Arnold. Although he is the hero of our story and has no knowledge of you, I would like you to get to know him. He is an eccentric man who finds himself in the fantastic and bizarre world of Serdame. With no memory of his arrival, he undertakes the first ever expedition in the land with the help of the retired knight Sir Procrastination and the curious Lavandra.

My Take:

Alfred Arnold is a reclusive writer trapped in his burning house. His life's work was a fantasy land called Serdame. While attempting to save his precious full color hand-drawn map of the fantasy world from the engulfing flames, he is transported into the world he created, with a serious case of amnesia.

With little memory of the world he came from, plagued by debilitating panic attacks, and threatened by the denizens of outlandish creatures and characters he created, Alfred Arnold undertakes a journey with the help of the retired knight Sir Procrastination to restore his memory and learn who he truly is.

Content:

Drug Content:

PG - Some drinking occurs. A magical brew is imbibed which gives all the effects of being drunk without actually 'being' drunk, or suffering the aftereffects.  

Violence:

PG - Much of the violence in this book is mild, nothing graphic. A zombie has its leg ripped off to use as a torch. 

Language:

G - There are two mild curse words in the entire book. No F-bombs.

Adult Content:

PG - Other than one incident of two men fighting madly over a sponge that appears to be a female object of 'lust', the book is very clean.

Christian content:

Nada. One cult in the book worships some deity and appears to have a practice of human sacrifice. None of which is described or occurs onstage. Some life lessons are apparent in the plot. For instance, Sir Procrastination is a personification of laziness and procrastination. The village of Villedge appears to be a lesson in isolationism, something the recluse Alfred Arnold deals with. A possessed glowing sponge appears to be a personification of lust. Revenge, greed, denial, all play a part in this odd tale.

Final analysis:

At the beginning I thought this would be a Christian allegory similar to John Bunyan's 'Pilgrim's Progress', or perhaps a crass and humorous ride like Hitchhiker's Guide, but it ended up more like Through the Looking Glass. The bizarre collection of creatures and characters in the tale, from Sir Procrastination to the Singing Zombie Chorus, seemed to lead me to believe there were allegories and personifications everywhere. But if so, many were lost on me. The world building in this book was excellent, sort of a mashup of Hitchhiker's Guide, Through the Looking Glass, and Gulliver's Travels. The characters, especially the main character, showed significant character arcs, and were likable, but not tremendously realistic.

I entered this book with some great expectations. A writer trapped in his own created world was an opportunity to take advantage of his creative genius, as was done in the InkHeart series. The beginning lines and book title gave a strong impression we were chasing an Arthur Dent clone through another inept adventure. An allegory can powerfully communicate life lessons without coming across as preachy, while a political satire,  like Through the Looking Glass, which uses some of the same devices, can expose ills in the powers that be, and galvanize a country to right those wrongs.

In Alfred Arnold's adventure, there were some traits of all of these, which might be a bit problematic as it lost focus trying to do all of them. It began well enough, but lost some steam midway through the journey, and the so-so characters and flagging pace made it difficult to plow through the midpoint. Glad I did continue, though, as it gathered steam on the downhill stretch, giving Alfred Arnold more dimension, and resolution to the main conflict. The story has a decent ending, but definitely left room for a sequel or two, and left some major questions unanswered. Can't help but feel a bit disappointed with a relatively abrupt ending that left too much unanswered. All in all, this was a good read, but will probably require the sequel for a satisfying end. Great World-building, decent plot, likable characters, but some focus and pacing issues. Four Stars!

About the Author:
Phoenix Ward is the author of thought-provoking science fiction and dark thrillers. The inventive mind behind A Guardian Angel, Oneironaut, the Alfred Arnold Saga, and the Installed Intelligence series, Phoenix captures the bizarre eccentricities that make reading unique.

When he’s not writing foreboding tales of futures-to-be, Phoenix is an avid gamer. In fact, he is the owner and primary contributor for a video game blog called Ham Goblin Gaming.

Phoenix wears pajama pants under his jeans in the winter and has a ham tattooed on his chest. He draws inspiration from such science fiction legends as Philip K. Dick and Isaac Asimov. He currently resides in Fort Collins, Colorado, USA.

Review: Murder, Curlers, and Cream (Valentine Beaumont #1) by Arlene McFarlane

Murder, Curlers, and Cream (Valentine Beaumont #1)

by Arlene McFarlane

Valentine Beaumont is a beautician with a problem. Not only has she got a meddling mother, a wacky staff, and a dying business, but now she’s got a dead client who was strangled while awaiting her facial. 

With business the way it is, combing through this mystery may be the only way to save her salon. Until a second murder, an explosion, a kidnapping, death threats, and the hard-nosed Detective Romero complicate things. But Valentine will do anything to untangle the crime. That’s if she can keep her tools of the trade in her bag, keep herself alive, and avoid falling for the tough detective.

In the end, how hard can that be? 

My Take:

Valentine Beaumont owns a beautician salon in the small town of Reuland Massachusetts, a town where practically nothing happens. That is, if you don't count the dead socialite found in her salon, strangled while awaiting her facial.

What with a new salon down the street trying to steal customers, and her rent coming due, solving the murder may be the only way she can save her salon. Until a second murder, a kidnapping, death threats, a fire bomb, and the handsome and hard-nosed detective, Michael Romero, complicate things. 

Nothing seems to deter Valentine from her quest to solve the murder, that is, if she can stay alive and prevent herself from falling for the tough detective.

Content:

Drug Content:

PG - Some drinking occurs, and one character is shedding a past life in the drug trade. 

Violence:

PG - There are several murders, one by strangulation, one by gunshot. There are a couple stabbings with beauty supplies, and a bloody accident with a straight razor. There are a couple fires, and some eyelashes get singed. Nothing graphic.

Language:

PG - There are a scattering of curse words in the book, no F-bombs.

Adult Content:

PG-13 - There are multiple references to a past incident where the main character defeated a thug by crushing his... um... never mind, in a curling rod. There are several affairs that occur. One girl wears a bikini that is more string than clothing. There are multiple semi-steamy encounters. Several scenes where a man's abs are exposed and admired, one where a female character is wearing a semi-transparent top. Men ogle women, women admire men. One scene where a lady had to take a cold shower to calm down... No sex, not even a passionate kiss. But plenty of interest.

Christian content:

A little bit. Valentine is a church attender. She prays. God doesn't play a major role onstage or off in this one, but her faith seems real enough. Family loyalty, public service, determination, benefit of the doubt, vindication, play major roles in this work.

Final analysis:

Valentine is an incredibly likable semi-ditsy three-dimensional character. She's a brick. Stalwart and faithful to her friends to the end, she is very realistically painted on the canvas of this romantic comedy. I was laughing out loud in many places. The crash-and-burn blind dates, the disastrous incompetent assistant. The settings, action, and drama in the book were so well-done that I felt more like I was watching a movie than reading a novel.

Anyone who's ever gotten a bad haircut, a ruined perm, worked in a salon, or loves mystery or romance would probably enjoy this one. I'd recommend it for older teen to adult. Solid characters, fast-paced, immersive world-building, spicy clean romance. Five Stars!

About the Author:

Arlene McFarlane is the author of the Murder, Curlers series. Previously an aesthetician, hairstylist, and owner of a full-service salon, Arlene now writes full time. When she’s not making up stories, or being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, cat-mom, or makeover artist, you’ll find her making music on the piano.

Arlene is a member of Romance Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, Toronto Romance Writers, SOWG, and the Golden Network. She’s won and placed in over 30 contests, including twice in the Golden Heart and twice in the Daphne du Maurier. 

Arlene lives with her family in Canada.

The Unlikely Adventures of Race & Cookie McCloud: Volume 1 by Tom Hoefner

The Unlikely Adventures of Race & Cookie McCloud: Volume 1
by Tom Hoefner
Illustrated by  Kevin Gillespie


A superhero with anger management issues! A living stone idol with a love for pop-culture trivia! Fist-pumping vampires! These are but a few of the nefarious (and ridiculous) challenges facing awful private investigator Race McCloud and his teenaged niece, all-star spy-in-training Cookie McCloud, as they scour the globe in search of their missing secret agent family. Stuck together by Cookie’s parents under the pretense of ‘babysitting’ (who is sitting for whom is left largely unclarified), the pair find themselves the target of special forces who are out to capture Cookie and KILL RACE! With nowhere left to turn, they seek the aid of Green Suit Jacket Man, the night-stalking vigilante that Race has been hunting for six months and that Cookie finds in one night. With the hero’s reluctant support, the dysfunctional duo are off! To find Cookie’s parents, spies of a Bond-ian sort! To find Margolis McCloud, a tomb-raiding treasure hunter! To find Nyte McCloud, a monster slayer and practitioner of badassery! Through it all, our two heroes must figure out why the military is so hellbent on capturing Cookie, how to act like partners and, most of all, how to be a family.


My Take:
If you like adventure stories with nonstop action, werewolves, vampires, zombies, mafia, superpowers, gadgetry, lost civilizations, mummy curses, and ninja skills, this one's for you.

When Race McCloud, private eye, agrees to babysit his sixteen-year-old niece Cookie, he knows it's not going to be an easy task - after all, she's in training to be a super-spy like her parents, and all of her extended family as well. And the clandestine way her parents dropped her off, with strict instructions not to take her back to 'school', make it clear that somebody's coming to get her, and probably kill Race in the bargain. Without the protection of her spy extended family, I might add... all of whom seem to excel at something exciting and deadly.

The only, well, reasonably 'normal' one in the family is Race, a never-even-has-been with a penchant for collecting useless bits of trivia on comic books and video games, who lives in a hovel rent-free as the janitor. Yeah, THAT guy.

With the help of the mysterious hero Green Suited Jacket Man, who Race has been hunting for six months, and who Cookie finds in one night, they attempt to stay at least one step ahead of their pursuers as they attempt to reassemble their over-powered family and save the world.

Content:

Drug Content:
PG - Several scenes in this book occur in a nightclub where there is some drinking.

Violence:
PG - Like in any YA Spy novel, there's quite a bit, but not gratuitous or explicit in its description. Bones are snapped, jaws are broken, some thugs get killed. Lots of high-velocity chases and some explosions occur. A lot of violence is done to a werewolf and a bar full of vampires.

Language:
PG - I don't recall any swear words at all, except perhaps the D-word tossed in a couple times, but nothing that I took note of.

Adult Content:
PG - I would have kept this at G, but there are a few innuendos tossed around and some mention of a gay vampire, and a few scantily clad succubusses. There's also some discourse about the objectifying of women and a brief discussion about the physical discomforts of females battling without proper attire.

Christian content:
Apart from some mention of holy water and silver crosses, and a slight nod to a side character who if I remember correctly is a priest, there's no mention of scripture or prayer anywhere. The characters depend solely on their own admittedly adequate power to overcome significant obstacles. There's no real discourse on life after death or a higher power.

However, Race tries very hard to be a protector for his niece, and in his bumbling way is clearly depicted as better than the rest of his amazing family. Cookie begins the novel with nothing but contempt for him but in the end realizes his true value and character. Issues like character, diligence, family, self-sacrifice, and consequences, are pretty well depicted here, in a manner that, after the laughter dies down, will make you think.

Final analysis:
Race and Cookie make an unlikely 'odd couple' but the combination works wonders not only for the plot but the flow. Their interactions are priceless, and Race plays the part of comedy relief well. The author transitions him smoothly into the part of a real three-dimensional hero. Pace, setting, world-building, action, dialog - it's a solid, complete package of fun as a fast-paced laugh-a-minute getaway.
The book was well-edited and kept my attention pretty much cover to cover. Five Stars!

About the Author:
Tom Hoefner is a writer, director, and teacher (not necessarily in that order) who lives in Brooklyn with his wife Jaime, his daughters Gabby and Audrey, and their cat Zelda. In his spare time he stages college and high school musicals, plays too much Nintendo, and roots for the Mets.

The book that's taken twenty years to write...

The book that’s taken twenty plus years and a lot of hard knocks to write is finally complete and edited. If you have ADD/ADHD kids of your own and are in need of a laugh or maybe a little help, check this one out...

Christmas Eve, I finally launched the book about our life at home with four ADD/ADHD kids.This is packed full of laughs and advice from parents who have been there in the trenches.

Here’s the back cover blurb:

Spraypainting the cat? What was he thinking?

With four year college degrees under our belts and a dab of training in Child Psychology, my wife and I thought we were ready for anything when it came to this parenting gig.

We had no idea we would be outnumbered and outgunned. From diet to riot, meds to charts, we’ve tried it all, to train up our kids in the way they should grow.

From the Home School of Hard Knocks, our four ADD and ADHD kids have taught us more about coping and planning ahead than any four year college degree could have, especially when it comes to understanding what goes on in the mind of a five year old in a Buzz Lightyear costume flying on a treadmill. To Infinity, and Beyond.

Links are available on my author website at www.lynvia.com.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reviews...